In fiction, it’s usually considered lazy writing give your carpenter character the name “Bob Carpenter.” Sure, “Sally Bitchofanexwife” might make a decent placeholder while working on your pro-Tesla screenplay, but you’ve got to change that before you hit publish. It’s just not realistic. If you met someone with the last name “Heist,” you’d think that was awesome, but you wouldn’t assume she was part of a Harley-stealing motorcycle gang, right? Pennsylvania’s CBS 21 reports a Jennifer Heist was just arrested for doing exactly that.
Even with the last name Heist, she couldn’t pull the caper off alone. A proper heist needs a team, and she was arrested with two others, Jermaine Holland and Craig Grinage, after allegedly engaging in five Harley-Davidson heists in five different counties. All three are reportedly members of the “Guerilla Motorcycle Club,” their local chapter of Wheels of Soul, a Philadelphia-based outlaw motorcycle gang known for their diversity and inclusion efforts. In addition to being feminist enough to include a woman in their heist, they’re also a multi-racial gang that doesn’t discriminate like so many other outlaw biker gangs do. If that’s not progress, I don’t know what is.
Heist’s squad of Guerillas (reading between the lines, it sounds like Holland was actually the leader, but Heist’s name is cooler) is reportedly connected to five motorcycle thefts that occurred last year between April 2 and July 20. Their preferred tactic appeared to be using one member to make a small purchase, then using someone else to steal a motorcycle while the employee was distracted. It might not have been an “Oceans 11”-worthy plan, but allegedly, it worked well enough to allow them to make off with an estimated $200,000 in stolen motorcycles.
What’s in a name?
Stolen motorcycles are bad news for the folks handling police reports and insurance claims, but there are certainly worse crimes a criminal could commit. It’s not like anyone died in one of these Heist heists. No, seriously, no one died, and that’s a good thing. But at least one of the thefts did turn violent, when Holland pulled a gun on a motorcycle owner he was in the process of robbing, threatened him with it, and then led police on a high-speed motorcycle chase. That’s cool in a movie but not something you want to experience in real life.
In a statement, Pennsylvania Attorney General Dave Sunday said, “This brazen and violent group made a big mistake coming into the Commonwealth to commit crimes. With our law enforcement partners in Maryland, we have built cases that will put a stop to this pattern of lawlessness.” And, hopefully, they do put a stop to it, because getting your motorcycle stolen sucks. Amber may be addicted to feeding two-wheeled cats to 10-fingered coyotes, but personally, I don’t like it.
Still, the question remains — did Jennifer turn to crime because of her last name? Did she feel some cosmic force pushing her to steal? Did others treat her differently because of her last name and create the motorcycle thief we know today? How can the universe contain so much coincidence? But if her parents are responsible for her alleged thieving ways, why isn’t Pennsylvania’s AG Sunday a pastor or Dairy Queen franchise operator? Are there limits to the power of nominative determinism? That’s a lot to ponder.
