The Wienermobile is an American icon, a great place to get laid (allegedly) and also makes a surprisingly good minivan substitute when going heels-to-Jesus inevitably results in a little bundle of unplanned joy. Today, it achieves true greatness when not one but six Wienermobiles will hit the track in Indianapolis and race head-to-head in the inaugural Wienie 500. Who will win? America, obviously.
The race kicks off at 2:00 p.m. EST today, a time many of us would consider “still in the middle of the workday,” but don’t you worry. We’ve got the live link ready to go, so you can watch it on your computer instead of circling back to land the plane that you’re building as you’re flying or whatever convoluted metaphor your boss clumsily stuffed into the last meeting you attended. And they better not grill you about being more productive.
Coverage of the race, which sadly will not last 500 miles, begins at 1:30 p.m. EST, and you better believe our buns will be planted in our seats, ready to witness greatness. Cold ones cracked, of course. It’s 5:00 somewhere, and also, the cold ones in question are from Athletic, because if Jalopnik staff are one thing, it’s athletes.
Choose your weenie winner
The inaugural Wienie 500 isn’t just any race, either. Each Wienermobile will be decorated to honor one of six different regions, including:
- Chicago Dog
- New York Dog
- Slaw Dog
- Sonoran Dog
- Chili Dog
- Seattle Dog
Of course, because it’s 2025, and the corporations are now legally obligated to push gambling as hard as possible, at least half the coverage will probably be related to betting. Maybe just put it on mute and play some Willie Nelson as you cheer for the Slaw Dog. No reason to let corporate America’s desperate need to get you addicted to something life-ruining get in the way of good, old-fashioned Wienermobile racing.
Is every hot dog you eat a missed opportunity to eat a far superior bratwurst instead? 100%, but most of you aren’t ready to have that conversation yet. Also, Johnsonville still has yet to build one Bratmobile, much less six of them. Anyway, enjoy the race, and may the best Wienermobile win.
