You’re a modern individual of culture, which means you’ve likely got a baker’s dozen of yee-haw inspired goth girlfriends that you need to shuttle from My Chemical Romance shows to Tractor Supply to a shop that sells Demonias and back. But how are you meant to ferry a group of that size all at once? You could get a Ford Transit that seats 15, but such a banal choice could threaten your standing within the polycule — no, you need something that seats everyone and looks cool at the same time. Modern problems sometimes require vintage solutions, and this 1961 Cadillac hearse monster truck is the only solution for you.
This Caddy has 14 seats — enough for you and every girlfriend whose drawl is somehow unaffected by cosplay fangs — in a body with style enough to win over even the most dour corpse-painted member of the ‘cule. It’s also a genuine monster truck, with heavy-duty four-link suspension and a Chevy 454 V8 mounted between the axles. It’s not so much that this hearse has a roll cage, but more that this truck is a roll cage with some hearse body draped around it.
A chariot fit for 14 queens
Will the Phantom, as this truck is named, fit in a parking spot at your local Tractor Supply? Absolutely not. It’ll fit on top of as many of them as you like, though, regardless of whether or not someone’s already parked there. That Cybertruck at Home Depot, the one both designed and owned by a tryhard who wants nothing more than your goth-girl appeal? Nothing more than a wheel chock to your shiny new monster truck and the veritable clown car of black-clad twangy-voiced women that will issue forth from it.
Just imagine how good life would be for you and your 13 country goth girlfriends if you got this Cadillac hearse monster truck. There’s no vehicle more perfect for you and your needs, nothing more finely-tuned for your specific aesthetic taste. You and your polycule could own country goth girl TikTok overnight with a single purchase. Isn’t that alone worth it?
