Somewhere along the way, we were sold a lie.
I’m not sure exactly when it started, but I know I heard it loud and clear when I was younger.
A lie wrapped in devotion and disguised as love.
I can still remember what I used to believe:
“Better do everything you want in life before you have children, because once you do… your life is all about them.”
Maybe your version sounded different. Maybe it came from family, culture, or the subtle messaging we all absorb growing up. But wherever it came from, it grows into the same story I hear mothers tell me over and over.
Honestly, it’s probably the biggest roadblock any mom has to overcome.
What they tell me is this:
“A good mother always puts her children’s needs above her own. They always come first.”
And with that belief comes endless guilt every time they take even a tiny sliver of time for themselves. These moms are exhausted and burned out because they’ve been taught their worth is measured by how much they give away while getting nothing back.
Self-sacrifice becomes noble… expected… even celebrated.
A badge of honor.
Here’s the part many mothers I work with struggle to accept:
This is the biggest lie of modern motherhood—and one of the most damaging myths we’ve ever believed.
The Motherhood Myth We’re All Swimming In
I’m on a call with a mom who wanted help getting back into exercise after her second baby. Before kids, she was incredibly consistent with her workouts. But now, she feels like there’s no time left for her at all.
We talk about her goals and different options she could try.
But I’m still sensing she’s not all in.
There’s always a “yes, but…”
Always a reason it wouldn’t work.
Always a reason she can’t start.
After a while, something becomes very clear to me. She’s not struggling with time… she’s stuck in her role as “the good mom.”
Let me tell you—this woman was no joke. Executive position. Driven. Hard-working. Deeply devoted to her family. She wanted to change; she truly did. But no matter what alternative I gave her, she couldn’t bring herself to shift even one thing in her routine.
Why? Because she felt guilty.
She’s already spending so much time at work, and now she’s supposed to “take even more time away” to train during her off-hours? She tells me she can’t do that—it feels wrong.
Because in her mind, her children always come first.
And listen, I’m a mom. I absolutely get where she’s coming from. There’s almost nothing I wouldn’t do for my child.
Here’s where this belief has been twisted and lost its real meaning.
What Being a “Good Mom” Actually Means
Being a good mother isn’t about constantly putting your kids’ needs above your own.
Being a good mother is about doing what’s truly best for your children.
And here’s the real question:
-
Is it in your child’s best interest to have a mom who’s so burned out she can’t be present?
-
A mom who’s running on empty, without the energy or patience to handle big emotional moments?
-
A mom who tells her kids to stand up for themselves—while modeling self-abandonment?
It’s wild that we’ve been conditioned to believe this is what great motherhood looks like.
So let me offer you another perspective.
Why Mothers Deserve the Same Standard as Pilots and Firefighters
I believe mothers should be held to the same standard as pilots or firefighters.
Stay with me…
These professionals are held to strict standards around rest, training, and self-maintenance—not because they’re special, but because lives depend on them. They are required to take care of themselves.
Mothers deserve the same standard.
No one is going to set those rules for us, so we have to do that ourselves. And sure, we may not be responsible for many lives… but isn’t one life enough reason?
The Patterns We Inherit—and Repeat
Remember the mom I mentioned? The one struggling to take time for herself?
I asked her about her role models growing up. She told me she was raised by a single mom who worked nonstop and spent every spare minute with her children. She couldn’t remember her mom ever going out with friends. Not once.
She worked.
She took care of the house.
She took care of her kids.
And that was it.
So what pattern did this mom repeat? Exactly the one she grew up watching.
That’s why she felt so guilty—because she was trying to go against a deeply embedded blueprint.
What Children Actually Learn From Their Mothers
Here’s another hard truth:
Kids don’t learn from what we tell them. They learn from what we model. (It’s a lot of responsibility to carry—I know.)
But when we decide to break the “selfless martyr mom” mold, we teach our children:
-
What a healthy, strong, well-supported adult looks like
-
That self-love starts with us
-
That others’ needs matter—and so do ours
-
How to set boundaries
-
That loving someone doesn’t require abandoning yourself
Simply put:
Children raised by mothers who value themselves are far more likely to value themselves, too.
This Change Doesn’t Happen Overnight (and You Weren’t Meant to Do It Alone)
There’s one more important piece here.
It’s not always as simple as saying, “Go take care of yourself, mama!” and all is well in the world. You can’t pour from an empty cup… but you also can’t magically refill it without support.
And the belief that moms must do everything alone?
Yep—that’s another version of the same lie.
To step out of the cycle of self-sacrifice, mothers need:
-
Systems that support them
-
People who have their back (a coach, partner, friends, community—whoever that is for you)
-
A society that normalizes maternal well-being instead of hustle and depletion
You are not meant to be the entire village.
You are meant to be part of one.
My hope is that, over time, you build your support network and find the people who cheer for you, help you, support your choices, and remind you that you matter too.
Because when you’re responsible for someone as precious as a child, you deserve to take time to stay at your best—just like a pilot or a firefighter.
A New Belief for Modern Motherhood
My mission is to plant a new, powerful belief:
The more a mother enjoys her motherhood, the more a child enjoys their childhood.
Those two things are inseparable.
Children do better when their mothers are well, supported, and happy. Period. —Marlene
