I haven’t started a lot of things. The dishes, my debut novel. Sometimes, life gets in the way of starting that next thing that will define who you are, and who you can be. And apparently, Jimmy Butler hasn’t started… something… either.
In her recent notebook-emptying piece on the Jimmy Butler saga, Ramona Shelburne of ESPN stirred the pot that has come to dominate NBA discourse, while also providing some info that could be really, really funny to everyone who prays for the Miami Heat’s downfall.
To summarize briefly, Butler has made it abundantly clear that he wants the Heat to trade him, and Pat Riley has made it abundantly clearer that he’s super annoyed about it. Butler has already been suspended seven games for making things awkward, but is that all he has in the tank?
Let’s ask Shelburne, President and CEO of awesome quotes from “sources close to _____”
“Jimmy hasn’t even really started,” one source close to Butler said.
Well, okay then.
If all this awkwardness was just a precursor to the main event, sign me up. This saga has been absolute gold to those of us (Celtics fans) that have been trying to laugh at Heat Culture for the last three years but kept getting smoked by Butler’s witchcraft right before the punch line.
But the concept that Butler, who is already approaching prime Anthony-Davis-in-New-Orleans-levels of making-this-awkward, hasn’t even begun? That’s just awesome.
As with any team-destroying crisis, how we got here has gone from very confusing to very obvious, very quickly. The Heat — who just last year looked like a dark horse to challenge the Eastern Conference’s titans with their gem Jaime Jaquez Jr. pick and their super-smart Terry Rozier trade — are now in shambles because of the two most important things to any superstar: time and money.
Butler is 35 years old and currently on track to retire as one of the most accomplished players of the 2010s never to win a championship. He seems to have (correctly) recognized he has no chance to change the latter on the Heat, no matter what Riley says. He also seems well aware that, at 35, he probably only has one contract extension left in his NBA career, and the Heat simply are not going to give it to him.
Given the first chance to “start” making things weird for the Heat in his first game post-suspension on Friday, Butler (mostly) no-commented and tried to quiet the noise… for now.
But if he decides to escalate? Butler proved in 2018 with the Minnesota Timberwolves that he has an iron stomach for uncomfortable team situations, so let’s get creative here. I present to you: the three funniest things Jimmy Butler could do to fulfill that anonymous threat and “start” putting pressure on the Heat.
1. Start an ultra-public debate about the Dwyane Wade statue
What if, to pour lime juice in the Heat’s window-closing wound, Butler just makes his life mission to trash talk the Dwyane Wade statue? He and his firebrand agent can get together and craft hundreds of statements about what an affront to Heat Culture the statue is, or derail every media interview by redirecting his answers to be about how much it does not look like Dwyane Wade. Organize a march against the statue in front of the Kaseya Center? Start a podcast with Phoenix Suns owner Mat Ishbia called “Statue Situation”?
Better yet, start answering requests for comment on his trade demand by arguing there’s no way Wade even deserved a statue before LeBron James, clearly the best Heat player ever. That would get the people going, and maybe annoy Pat Riley enough to ship Jimmy to Phoenix for 33 cents on the dollar.
2. Become a baseball player and sign a minor league deal with the Pensacola Blue Wahoos
This would be a(nother) thinly-veiled Michael Jordan reference that would be sure to win public support, if for no other reason than it being really, really funny. Leaning into the “Jordan’s son” thing would be an elite way to stick it to Riley, and becoming a multi-sport athlete would turn this fiasco into an absolute carnival.
Does Butler even play baseball? Irrelevant! This is a public image thing, not an actual sports thing. And the Pensacola Blue Wahoos would rocket to the top of most popular Double-A baseball teams and sell a positively insane number of jerseys. Even I would buy one.
3. Legally change his name to “Heat Culture”
This is a monumentally unexplored part of NBA trade demands, as nobody has ever tried forcing everyone to call them by a different name, especially one as emotionally charged as “Heat Culture.” I’m not actually sure if this would help him get traded, but man would it add some chaos to an already ridiculous situation.
This would be the ultimate middle finger to Riley. Forcing him to say how “Heat Culture has done irreparable damage to the team’s culture” and how he is “saddened by Heat Culture’s abandonment of his teammates and loyal fans.” Like… come on.
Shams Charania tweets that “Heat Culture has reiterated his demand to be traded from the Heat, and is growing tired of the delays.” Kendrick Perkins hops on NBA countdown and talks about how the Heat have failed Heat Culture’s legacy. Bill Simmons places Heat Culture at 74th in his NBA pyramid in The Book of Basketball 2: The Squeakquel.
It would be glorious, if not necessarily effective. But when you’re playing hardball, sometimes you have to ball harder than people previously thought possible. And nothing would ball harder — or make me happier — than if Heat Cult—erm, Jimmy, ratchets this up to 11.
