The Dallas Cowboys press conference was so bleak that light can’t penetrate its surface

Like them or hate them, the Dallas Cowboys are still one of the biggest, most-influential, and recognizable teams not just in the NFL — but all of sports globally. So it’s more than a little sad when the organization, which is already struggling, trots out a press conference which is so inane, so tone-deaf, that it’s impossible to have faith in the direction of the franchise.

That’s precisely what happened on Monday, as Jerry Jones and his idiot son Stephen sidled up to a microphone to discuss the future, and the underwhelming hiring of Brian Schottenheimer as head coach. It was light on reassurances, heavy in disconnect, and a total mess.

Quotes from the press conference are so absolutely unhinged that you’d swear it was a parody of Jerry Jones. Brace yourself.

On hiring Schottenheimer:

None of this makes any sense, and that’s before we even get to the fact that Jerry Jones is really obsessed with the idea that “Schottenheimer” sounds like “shots.” Hiring a guy nobody else wants, who isn’t coveted elsewhere, who is already inside your organization from a previous failing regime is the exact opposite of “taking a shot.” It’s taking a nap.

Jerry on his vetting process:

There’s just something magical about 82-year-old Jerry Jones calling up 79-year-old Steve Spurrier and asking him about how Schottenheimer was a player, which was back in 1994 — then using that to inform his coaching decision.

On the salary cap hell the Cowboys are in:

It’s unclear what metric Jerry is doing to say he “does real well.” The Cowboys are currently $4.4M OVER the projected salary cap, with only 56 players under contract. They do not have the space to sign anyone in free agency, Micah Parsons needs an extension, and the roster as constructed went 7-10.

Just to compare, the Colts went 8-9 and have $24M in effective cap space. Dallas is paying a lot to suck.

Now it’s Stephen Jones time, baby:

You don’t get to air quote when something is factually accurate. The last time the Cowboys went to the Super Bowl was during Bill Clinton’s first term as president. The team hasn’t gone to the NFC Championship game in 1995. If something hasn’t happened in 30 years it’s objectively a “drought.”

When the Cincinnati Bengals, Arizona Cardinals, Carolina Panthers, and Las Vegas Raiders have been to more Super Bowls in the last 25 years than you have, it’s a damn drought.

It’s okay though, because Stephen thinks everything is great:

It’s a good thing you can win championships for being the 9th-winningest regular season team in the NFL over 15 years.

The Cowboys are screwed

It’s one thing to look at the salary cap, underwhelming talent, questionable contract extensions — but another entirely when there isn’t a single person in a leadership position capable of righting this ship.

Jerry Jones is meandering around talking about “Schotty shots,” Stephen Jones is the heir apparent and doesn’t think there’s been a drought. Everything is a mess. For decades the Cowboys have done things their own way, but the top level of this team is still resting on the laurels of a time with dial up internet.

Things as so bad it’s almost not funny anymore to clown on Cowboys fans. This is a disaster.