When you mostly write about cars for a living, you usually don’t get to write much about houses except to remind people that you can sleep in a car, but you can’t drive a house. Ricky Bobby’s house from Talladega Nights did sell recently, and then over the summer, we saw the most divorced condo of all time, complete with a second-gen Impala on a rotating car bed. This house, on the other hand, doesn’t have a direct car connection, but look at the photos of the interior, and tell me this house wasn’t designed specifically to attract Tesla Cybertruck owners.
If you’re skeptical based on the exterior, I get that. Sure, the exterior photo I used doesn’t necessarily scream “Cybertruck” aside from maybe the driveway looking like it was meant to be parked in instead of the garage. And if you do own a Cybertruck, you definitely want people to see that you own one, so parking in your driveway makes the most sense. Even the people who are ready to jump right to the comments and complain about this post will also have to begrudgingly admit I’m right that this is a Cybertruck house.
Step through the front door of this two-bedroom, two-bath, 2,040-square-foot house in Grand Junction, Colorado that sits on 1.65 unlandscaped acres, and you’re greeted with a thoroughly modern kitchen. The black cabinetry stands out against marble tile floors, with a golden chandelier hung next to…wait, is that a stripper pole? In the kitchen? You know it, buddy. I mean, it’s an open floorplan, so it’s more of a multi-use space that includes a kitchen, but yes, there’s a stripper pole in the kitchen. And to the left, into the garage, that is, indeed, a basketball hoop that you see.
So right out of the gate, we already know it’s a tacky bro-pad right down to the gas stove, but as much as I appreciate the listing agent ensuring you know right out of the gate that the only women who will ever walk through the door are doing so because they’re being paid. And again, we’re nailing the Cybertruck demographic perfectly. By the way, did I mention this place costs $1.55 million? That’s $760 a square foot. Oh, and there’s also a good reason I didn’t even bother to tease the stripper pole reveal.
Just look at this sad, empty sports house in all its glory. Really take it in. Six TVs. A hot tub. A stripper pole. A random chandelier. Honeycomb accent lighting on the ceiling. A seventh TV. A giant window with a view of the development. No one even bothered to photoshop furniture into this house because they knew whoever moved in would go all hot tub all the time. That’s a 10-person hot tub by the way, not that whoever buys this place will have nine friends to invite over.
Does it matter that the TVs are mounted too high for comfortable viewing? Not at all. It has seven TVs, and you don’t. Also, did you see his Cybertruck? A child sneezed on it, so it’s bricked for now, but next time you visit, he can totally give you a ride in it. It’s going to blow your mind. Also, say what you will about the choice in flooring, but as long as it doesn’t get too wet, you can basically snort Adderall anywhere you want in this place.
The biggest disappointment here might be this room, which I’m pretty sure is supposed to be the primary bedroom. Except there’s no bed in it. Not even a Photoshopped one. I mean, come on. It’s a bachelor pad with a hot tub instead of a couch. I expected more in the bedroom even if no woman is ever going to see it. Maybe you’re expected to sleep in your Cybertruck? Don’t worry, though, the garage is pretty much exactly what you imagined.
There we go. That’s the stuff. Weird angles, useless lights. Big. Empty. Sad. I legitimately don’t know how well the lighting on the ceiling will stand up to impact, but you have to imagine it’ll get hit by at least a few basketballs. If anything breaks up there, it’ll probably be very expensive to fix. At least you don’t have to worry about getting up there on a ladder. A Cybertruck Man with a $1.6-million-dollar house would never fix something on his own.
Even better, it’s just around the corner from two schools, so even kids who refuse to talk to you are going to have a hard time convincing the judge they deserve to live with your ex-wife full-time. She’s already getting you for alimony and child support, and now she wants more money? That’s ridiculous.
Anyway, having seen what you’ve seen, can you seriously tell me this is a house for anyone other than a Cybertruck Man? No, you cannot. This is his home. It was made for him. He belongs here. Just gotta figure out where to put the lost and found box that will forever go unused.
