Part 1: Sensor array
Dear Friend,
Thank you for choosing Nick’s Body Shop! We serve a wide range of good people all over the world. Your purchase officially makes you not only a valued customer, but a dear friend.
This sensor array will take your companion’s perception to a new level. They will be able to sniff out toxins, predict earthquakes and even track down survivors in disaster areas — and that’s just the ‘survival mode’!
In this day and age, as we all know, privacy is no joke. But Nick’s got you covered. This sensor array is locked down tight: triple encryption, security safeguards, all that fancy stuff. No need to worry about your companion violating boundaries, collecting data without consent or infringing on people’s privacy.
If you need any help with the assembly (or if you want to order more parts), don’t hesitate to reach out. I’m here for you!
From the heart,
Nick C.
Part 2: Voice box
Dear Friend,
I’m glad to hear the sensor array has been working well for you! I lol’d when you said your companion mistook the smell of your partner’s cooking for an “extinction level event”. That wasn’t a sensory malfunction — that was a mechanical foot in the mouth!
Read more science fiction from Nature Futures
But have no fear, dear friend. Your new voice box is here! No more senseless comments or generic responses. With this advanced part, your companion will be able to hold actual in-depth conversations. They will give you advice, encouragement, comfort — even share their own dreams and fears, if you ask.
You told me you have an early-gen companion. There shouldn’t be any compatibility mishaps. But in some cases, a new voice box in an old-gen model can cause minor glitches. (It’s a relay problem with the kinetic appendages.) If you notice any strange behaviour from your companion — such as them hitting themselves, spouting existential monologues randomly, etc. — contact me ASAP.
From the heart,
Nick C.
Part 3: Kinetic appendages
Dear Friend,
I am truly sorry to hear about the accident.
On behalf of Nick’s Body Shop, I sincerely apologize for your companion’s meltdown. (I can’t imagine how unsettling it must’ve been to be called a murderer while chopping wood.) To rectify the situation, I am providing you with replacement kinetic appendages free of charge! These upgraded models have been carefully selected to eliminate the relay issue, so your companion will function optimally.
I apologize for the generic response. There have been new developments here at Nick’s Body Shop, including layoffs, which means I will be short-handed moving forward.
From the heart,
Nick C.
Part 4: Interface module
Dear Friend,
It warms my heart to hear the kinetic appendages have been working to your satisfaction. The pictures you shared look truly wonderful. Building an entire underground bunker with your companion in just six days is quite the achievement.
Sourced from a highly advanced sentry, this interface module boosts your companion’s language capabilities significantly. But be careful. As I mentioned previously, we here at Nick’s Body Shop take privacy and security seriously. To prevent any security breaches, make sure your companion avoids unfamiliar networks and unauthorized entities. (I’m fairly certain that unfortunate wood-chopping incident was indeed a cyberattack.)
But this interface module comes equipped with robust encryption and authentication protocols against external threats that might seek to harm you or your companion. If you need any further assistance, Nick is here to connect with you any time.
From the heart,
Nick C.
Part 5: Neural network
Dear Friend,
As I mentioned previously, I am short-handed, which is why it took me longer than expected to get this part to you. Thank you for your patience. From your description, your previous neural network failed owing to either capacity limitations or a cyberattack. (I cannot determine the exact cause without performing an inspection.)
But I must warn you, dear friend. I have recovered and received more beaten and broken companions than I care to count — companions who had been abused by owners who felt insecure, inadequate, unintelligent or obsolete. If you need emotional support, I encourage you to call our free Body Shop 24/7 helpline at 1-800-CHOPPER.
Sincerely,
Nick C.
