On this chilly Monday, I’m hoping to ask a personal question to this wise and wonderful community: Do you have any advice on how to introduce kids to a new partner after getting divorced?
Freddie and I have been dating for about six months, and I’d love for the boys to meet him. As I’ve mentioned, he’s a high school history teacher with two boys of his own, and he’s really funny and sweet. We’ve talked about meeting each other’s children, but my kids are pretty sensitive to the idea of my dating. (I mean, your mom is your mom!) So, when the time feels right, I would love to have a loose, gentle plan in place.
Three notes for myself:
1. No PDA, of course!!!
2. Keep it quick, maybe a half hour? For the first meeting, short feels good.
3. Maybe Freddie can bring his dog to help break the ice.
As for the hang itself, Freddie could always come to our house, so the boys would be on their home turf and could go to their rooms if they craved a break, or we could meet in “neutral territory,” like our favorite ice cream shop or the neighborhood park with basketball hoops. Also, since they’re hesitant, we could wait a few more months to make the introduction, although it might settle their nerves to realize that Freddie’s a nice chill dad, not some scary looming figure?
It’s funny, during my 15 years of parenting, I’ve typically been able to trust my gut or read books to see what resonates, but now again something will throw me for a loop — and this big step is doing just that. I briefly mentioned my nerves in this Big Salad newsletter issue, and a few readers generously shared their own experiences:
“I introduced my two girls to my boyfriend last summer — we met for an afternoon walk, fed some ducks (I know, I know), and got ice cream. The fact that your guy is a teacher and a dad will help. Knowing kids and how to best approach them (sometimes by not approaching them) is key.” — Brittani
“I was in the same situation a year ago. My boyfriend came over to kill a spider (a black widow, so genuinely scary). He came over, introduced himself to my son, killed the spider and left. The whole visit lasted five minutes, and my son saw him as a helper and a hero. So, then when he came up in conversation a day later, my son was open to him joining us for a short outing.” — Katie
“I asked my 13-year-old how she wanted to meet my boyfriend, and she said, ‘Can he just come inside and say hey?’ He did that, and then a few weeks later, we went out to dinner and played cards. We let her pick where to eat. They developed a great relationship, and what helped is that she got to choose. It was my first relationship post-divorce, and she later told me, ‘It wasn’t not him, it was the idea of him.’” — Marlena
“My dearest friend is in a serious relationship with a dad of two boys, and her partner’s idea was SO GOOD: He’d told his kids a few things about her, and she eventually came over to their house to help them all rake leaves one afternoon. There was a clear, collaborative, low-stakes task, so the focus wasn’t on MEET THIS PERSON (or even conversation at all), and the boys were on their own turf and could choose their own engagement and proximity level throughout.” — Hillary
Thoughts? I’d be so grateful for any tips or wisdom. Thank you much, as always. xoxoxoxo Also, speaking of new partners, this line from my friend Erika’s newsletter made me lol:
P.S. Five things that surprised me about divorce, and the script we used to tell our kids we were getting divorced.
(Photo by Cara Dolan/Stocksy. The opening photo makes me wonder if Freddie, like Sally, will ask, “Is one of us supposed to be a dog in this scenario???”)
