A couple weeks ago, our wonderful contributor Ruth Chan sent Joanna and me an email with these comics and a note: “I recently found these comics that I’d made years ago while going through the hardest time of my life. I called them ‘Portraits of the Unsure.’ I still cry reading them, so I thought they might resonate with CoJ readers?”
As soon as I clicked into them, I, too, felt my throat tighten and tears well up. Because in each comic — featuring an adorable animal sharing a confession about feeling lost or embracing a hard-earned lesson — I saw a small part of myself, as well. Here are the comics, plus a Q&A with Ruth…
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Jannelle: When you drew these comics, what was going on in your life?
Ruth: I was 32 and had just separated from my husband and lost my job. I had to move out of our joint apartment because I didn’t have the income to stay. Everything I knew was suddenly gone.
That’s so hard.
I was severely depressed. The only things I could manage were walking my dog and painting these animal portraits. I started with just one, and then continued making one a day. Now looking back, I can tell that creating them was my way to process everything I was feeling.
What kind of job were you laid off from?
I was in community-based nonprofit management, and it was actually through painting these portraits that I started getting the courage and excitement to think, ‘Oh, maybe I do want to be an illustrator.’ I was at the bottom, so there was nowhere to go but up. These portraits were the beginning of building a portfolio. I also started taking children’s book illustration classes at the School of Visual Arts.
From this series, which comic most resonates with you today?
The marching band one. These days, I’m still always trying to stop controlling things. As a parent, I find that especially hard to wrap my head around, since all I want is to control the chaos! But I have to actively tell myself, ‘It’s okay if my daughter gets messy. It’s okay if she doesn’t eat much lunch because she wants to spend time outside. Let the day be unpredictable. It’s fine.’ Because that’s when the amazing things can happen, you know?
It’s a great lesson.
Also, the bowling pin one. It’s so hard for me to ask for help, even though I know my friends and family are there for me.
When you were going through your divorce, what did friends and family do that helped?
My friend Jane brought up the idea for us to share a Blue Apron subscription, which turned into us routinely going over to each other’s places to cook together. I think that was her way of making sure that I wasn’t eating alone, or that I was even eating, in such a thoughtful, lovely way. Whenever I think of that period in my life, I remember the devastation. But I’m also always overwhelmed by the wonderful ways that my friends stepped in without being asked.
Many of these comics are about accepting one’s whole self. What have you learned about owning your own personal identity?
What I love about these portraits is that all the animals are flawed. They’re a little goofy, or a little broken, or a little weird. And I think that gets across the idea that being our authentic selves helps us connect with other people. Trying to be perfect around each other is a barrier to building real, intimate relationships.
Finally, what would you say to someone who is going through a hard time, when it’s hard to imagine that there’s good on the other side?
There’s often a huge fear of change because you don’t know what’s on the other side. But today, I’m standing on the other side, and I’m so happy. And if I hadn’t lost my job, I don’t know if I would have become an illustrator. You never know what might come from a big change in your life, but it could be really wonderful, beautiful things. You just have to be open to it.
Thank you so much, Ruth!
P.S. A trick to stop worrying, and why grief is like butter.
