Right now, the three words I’d use to describe my friendships are: deep, happy and sporadic. I feel good about those descriptors, except for the last one…
A month after delivering my now four-year-old daughter Ella, my husband Max and I moved from our hometown of San Jose to a smaller agricultural town. The new town had a refreshingly slower pace, safe neighborhoods, amazing taquerias, and houses with mortgages we could actually afford. The only catch? It’s an hour away from all of the women in my life who feel like home.
For the first two years, with only one child in tow, I didn’t see the 60-minute drive back to San Jose to grab lunch with the girls as much of a hurdle. But nowadays, life is so full. Ella goes to daycare with her own new friends; each month finds me blocking off more squares in the family calendar for birthday parties and playdates. We also had a second baby, my ultra-kissable little squish, Emiliano. Coordinating childcare for two children with their grandparents, who also help watch our kids during the week, plus finding a day in a month that my equally busy friends are all available, feels nearly impossible.
Our group text looks like this meme.
So, at this stage in life, I’m doubling down on two hang-out methods to keep my friendship cup full:
My first method is the random phone call. I’ll initiate by texting a friend five minutes before I have a pocket of free time, asking if they’re up for a quick chat. Sometimes I’ll even cold call! Half the time, the stars align and we get to gab. I’ve been keeping up this ritual once a week with my best friend Angela while I head on walks around my neighborhood. During our calls, I’ve learned her go-to weeknight meal (chopped Greek salad), her work anxiety (the tariffs!), and why she couldn’t attend her grandmother’s birthday dinner (a bad cold). Knowing these details of her day-to-day life makes me feel so much closer to her. Sometimes our calls last for a glorious 30 minutes; other times, just five. Regardless of the call’s length, I always hang up feeling re-energized.
My second hang-out strategy is embracing friend dates with kids. I love nothing more than quality one-on-one time with my friends, but since scheduling that is hard, I realized I’d rather see them with my kids, than not at all. Thankfully, my friends, who don’t have kids themselves, are open to that dynamic. So, I’ll invite them over for a brunch spread at my house, or we’ll meet for a picnic at the park. Full disclosure: There are LOTS of interrupted conversations while I run around after my children. I remember the first few times we tried this method, I felt self-conscious about how many times I said, “Hold on for one second!” as I dashed to stop Ella from making a questionable jump off the jungle gym. But then I remembered: my friends are the women who held me when I cried during heartbreaks, stood by my side as I said my wedding vows, and organized meal trains for me after I birthed both my children. They reassured me that, of course, they want to be with me, even in the thick of my parenting young kids. Who am I to close them off from this new stage of my life?
Friendships are amazing and hard, and they ebb and they flow. While the way my friends and I are spending time together is different from how we’ve done it in the past, I’m grateful that we’re finding new rhythms that work for all of us.
I’m curious: How are your friendships going right now? Are you in a season where you can see friends regularly? Do you feel booked up with work or personal obligations? Have you moved to a new place and started from scratch? I’d love to hear.
P.S. 12 great reader comments on friendship and 13 things to do with friends that aren’t dinner.
