The NFL dropped one of my favorite things of the offseason: The official coach’s photo. Each year the league asks that all 32 coaches join together for a class photo during league meetings, and it never stops being entertaining.
What makes the coach photo special is that there’s seemingly never a plan for this thing. Guys just rock up in whatever clothes they happened to throw on and get herded like cats to get this shot. As a result we get a sense of their true personalities, and today we’re breaking down the real jobs of all these coaches in an alternate timeline.
Left to right, back row first
Brian Daboll, Giants: Locksmith in Queens telling you it’s going to be $275 to open your door with a credit card
Mike McDonald, Seahawks: Works at his best friend’s comic book store
Kellen Moore, Saints: Insurance salesman who keeps pressuring you to take out a life insurance policy on your child no matter how many times you say no.
Liam Coen, Jaguars: Youth pastor at a South Carolina megachurch
Todd Bowles, Buccaneers: Police sergeant, but like a good cop
Shane Steichen, Colts: Manager of a medical supply company. Knows everything about toilet chairs for the elderly
Kevin O’Donnell, Vikings: Assistant manager at Shane Steichen’s medical supply company
Mike Tomlin, Steelers: Owner/chef of a food truck. Had to hire a cashier because he was too grumpy to handle customers
Dan Campbell, Lions: Football coach
Sean Payton, Broncos: Owner/operator of ‘Flip Flops Grill’ in Redondo Beach
Zac Taylor, Bengals: Bland father occasionally featured in background of family YouTube channel
DeMeco Ryans, Texans: Physical therapist who secretly enjoys seeing clients in pain
Dave Canales, Panthers: Personal trainer who gets just a little too close to his clients
Brian Schottenheimer, Cowboys: Wendy’s manager who tells everyone his job is in “sales”
Mike Vrabel, Patriots: Exterminator you’re worried might have inhaled too much bug spray over the years
Jonathan Gannon, Cardinals: Used car salesman who has a great deal on a 2004 Kia Optima you can drive away in today no matter how bad your credit is
Ben Johnson, Bears: Private golf instructor at Raleigh-area country club
Aaron Glenn, Jets: 10th grade English teacher, but his real passion is trumpet
Mike McDaniel, Dolphins: Improvised hip hop dance instructor in Flagstaff, Arizona
Matt LaFleur, Packers: Used to be a semi-pro tennis player. Now teaches Pickleball
Sean McDermott, Bills: Dentist with three outstanding malpractice lawsuits
Nick Sirianni, Eagles: Running his family’s sports bar into the ground. Featured in season three of Kitchen Nightmares
Andy Reid, Chiefs: Retired. Currently traveling coast-to-coast in his RV
Sean McVay, Rams: Financial planner advising all his customers to put their savings into “SpongeCoin.” Will eventually bankrupt them all and be investigated by SEC
John Harbaugh, Ravens: Arborist who gives ludicrous quotes for tree removal
Pete Carroll, Raiders: Kindly optometrist who makes too many puns about eyes
Jim Harbaugh, Chargers: Embezzlement
Kevin Stefanski, Browns: Child transformed into adult with aide of an enchanted Zoltar machine
Kyle Shanahan, 49ers: Donates plasma
Brian Callahan, Titans: J.D. Vance lookalike for parties. Nobody has ever booked him
Dan Quinn, Commanders: Host of a scared straight YouTube channel detailing what life in prison was like
Raheem Morris, Buccaneers (not pictured): John Cena
