Imagine showing up to a strip club, paying for parking, going through security, grabbing a drink at the bar, and then as you turn to the dancers, the DJ cuts on this new Bruno Mars single, where, in a fake-sexy speak-sing, you hear lines like “Fat, juicy, and wet” and “That good kitty-kitty, good kitty-kitty/Make it my pet.” Guess nobody gave Bruno that note, because he went ahead and dropped “Fat Juicy & Wet,” a collab with Sexyy Red that’ll make you shut your laptop and sit in silence. Bruno sounds like one of the teenagers in Porky’s peeping on the girl’s locker room through a hole in the wall. He sounds like he asks dancers for their Instagram and DMs them a purple devil emoji the next day. Sexyy Red can’t save the guy. I’m usually in for her Miami bass-style raunch, but here she sounds like a parody of herself as she goes on about signing autographs in squirt juice and giving some dude a milk mustache with her cum (OK, that one is kind of funny). I’d be willing to erase this song from my memory if it weren’t for the beat—Bruno and his boys The Stereotypes butcher the West Coast ratchet club sound of a decade ago by giving it a Las Vegas showtunes sheen. Mustard and Sage the Gemini should sue. We all should.
