‘Being Meaner’ TikTok Trend: Pros and Cons

While most videos come context-free, some videos say the plan is to be meaner to men in particular. These women, as a whole, do not state whether they’re referring to their personal lives or the world at large. But the intention is to stop people-pleasing, which means shunting your own thoughts, feelings, or needs aside in deference to those of others. “I’ll be meaner if I have to be [in 2025],” says TikTokker Alex Candelario. “My boundaries and my expectations are high.”

New Year’s resolutions videos are a dime a dozen. However, experts say the TikTok trends that do catch on, like “being meaner,” can tell us a lot about what’s on our collective minds. “Memes are always on the pulse, and a lot of people are feeling this way,” psychotherapist Israa Nasir, MHC-LP, the author of Toxic Productivity, tells Well+Good.

Here’s what “being meaner” actually means in practice and how you can be assertive without engaging in behavior that’s ultimately counterproductive.

What does ‘being meaner’ actually mean?

“Being meaner” could just be a funny way of declaring your intention to firmly ask for what you want or to express your opinion. It’s not necessarily “mean,” but could be interpreted as such if the receiving party is not used to you asserting yourself in this way.

“It feels to me like the trend is about learning to set boundaries and also being more honest,” says clinical psychologist and DatingAdvice relationship expert Wendy Walsh, PhD.

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Nasir says it’s hard to pinpoint the determinants that could be impacting this vibe shift. However, she sees it as part of a decade-long change in which people have been learning to express their needs. “For many people, namely, women, they’ve been programmed culturally to be kind, be sweet, be polite, and all this niceness has sometimes meant dimming their own light and turning down their own voice,” Walsh says. “I think young women are saying, ‘I want to be bold and assertive and honest and strong, and I don’t want someone to take advantage of me.’”

‘Being meaner’ drawbacks: when assertiveness turns to aggression

However, meanness could also communicate a “me first” attitude that comes at the expense of others. The fact that people are using the word “mean” demonstrates that they are thinking about how their actions affect others. And despite that knowledge, they’re just choosing to “disregard that impact in service of their own needs,” Nasir says.

In this case, people may be replacing assertiveness with aggression. And while aggression might feel necessary in the moment, it can be detrimental, explains Scott Cooper, a youth advocate who teaches assertiveness and is the co-author of The Four Paths of Assertiveness. “There’s abundant research to tell us that meanness is really bad for relationships, and it’s bad for everyday living,” Cooper says.

6 productive ways to ‘be meaner’ while still being kind

As tempting as it is to let the fuse burn down, that explosion could backfire and bring more negativity into your life. It’s in your personal interest to stand firm and have clear communication without veering into aggression. Cooper describes this as “learning to speak directly and honestly, without the intent of rolling over other people.”

“The trend isn’t about being mean to somebody,” Walsh says. “It’s about being nicer to yourself.”

Here’s how to “be mean,” and feel good about it.

1. Get honest with yourself

Know thyself! To ask for what you need, and decline what you don’t, you have to honestly assess your capacity as a colleague, friend, partner, or whatever other relationship in your life is taking your time.

2. Use “I” statements

It’s an oldie but a goodie for good reasons. Cooper says constantly reminding yourself to speak in a way that reflects your feelings, without assuming knowledge on another person’s behalf, can lead to fruitful conversations.

3. Try a “no and yes” approach

If you’re uncomfortable proactively stating what you need, learning to say “no” can be a great first step to asserting yourself. You can make “no” even more powerful with what Nasir calls a “no and yes mindset.” That is, even if you don’t feel it’s your job to solve someone else’s problem, you can make your “no” assertive while still helping someone find a solution. For example, if someone asks you to do something at work, you can say “no, but perhaps you can ask Barbara in accounting,” or whoever you know would be most appropriate.

4. Be persistent

Unfortunately, just stating what you need doesn’t mean someone else will accommodate you (hence the desire to be mean). Cooper advises being both firm and respectful but not letting a conversation come to an end until you are satisfied with the outcome.

5. Control your response

Nasir advises learning to respond instead of react so that you can express yourself with a clear head and an approachable, calm tone. If someone says something that prompts an emotional reaction from you, it’s OK to ask for some time to collect yourself before you respond. “Increase that response reaction time by taking a deep breath, and saying, ‘hey I’m going to get back to you.”

6. Exhaust your options

There will be some conversations where all your attempts at productive resolution will be for nought. If that’s the case, you’ll be able to bear the conflict more easily if you know you attempted a respectful dialogue. Remember, respectful assertiveness is not for them—it’s for you.

“You’re putting in this work to grow personally in your emotional maturity, in your emotional literacy, your ability to tolerate discomfort, your ability to recognize what you need, and how to have good conversation,” says Nasir. “You’re investing in yourself.”

So, if you’re joining the TikTok “being meaner” train and letting folks know the people-pleasing era is over, guess what? That’s self-care.