When my teenagers burst into tears and slam their bedroom doors, I don’t go soothe them…
It feels a little harsh to write out, but my reasoning is this: they chose to be alone in that moment, and they’re learning to emotionally regulate, a key life skill. They’re building those muscles and getting stronger every time. I’m proud of them and believe in them.
After all, they understand that I’m here, reading on the sofa or brushing my teeth, if they need me. They know they can come to me anytime, that nothing they tell me will shock or embarrass me (“I’ve heard everything,” I regularly tell them), that nothing they could ever say or do would ever make me stop loving them. I trust that they’ll come find me if they need advice or a hug or just want someone to sit next to them and rub their back during this hard moment.
But in terms of feeling those big emotions? I would never want to take them away or prevent my kids from experiencing them. Being upset, sad, or disappointed is not a bad thing; in fact, it’s a very good thing. It’s part of life! We’re aiming for wholeness! Kids should learn how to tolerate tough emotions, run through the storm, give themselves pep talks, and realize that big feelings pass and life carries on and they’re JUST FINE.
The more they experience this sequence, over and over, the more they will learn that they can handle pretty much anything. They will be able to soothe themselves, without needing to seek constant reassurance or lean heavily on someone else or, later, maybe drink too much or punch a wall. They will be able to stand securely on their own two feet and weather whatever comes. How amazing is that? Some people go their entire lives not learning to emotionally regulate; it is a huge superpower and, I might even argue, the secret to lasting happiness?
(To clarify, I love talking about worries, struggles, problems, relationships, and life overall with my kids, when they’re calm and steadied; but I want them to learn to tolerate the wave of big feelings first on their own.)
I could not agree with this more:
A few tips for emotional regulation (for those of any age):
* take a break by yourself
* breathe deeply
* drink water, splash water on your face, take a shower (just add water🙂
* go for a walk
* pay attention to your feelings and name them
* remind yourself that hard feelings will pass; they’re typically biggest at the beginning
* try to reframe your thinking or imagine someone else’s perspective
* consider the bigger picture (like, the Grand Canyon trick!) — your life is huge, this is one moment within it
* challenge your thoughts. ask yourself, what’s the evidence? (for example, if you think, ‘I have no friends,’ is that really true? what’s the evidence for that? is there evidence for the other side?)
* if you did make a mistake, and now you’re beating yourself up, tell yourself the phrase, “I’m learning.” (This helps me a lot when I’m frustrated with myself.) It’s okay to get things wrong, then learn and grow!
Thoughts? What else would you add to that list? I’m eager to hear how you handle and think about these moments. If my kids are upset, and I feel an urge to go solve all their problems (which is impossible anyway!), I’ll actually tell myself things like: “This is a feeling they can handle; they’re doing an amazing job building these muscles; they’re learning an essential life skill; they know you’re here if they need you; they’re going to be just fine; go, sweetie, go!!!” (And guess what I just realized, as I wrote this last paragraph? I emotionally regulate myself while they learn to emotionally regulate!)
P.S. More about talking to kids, including a scavenger hunt parenting hack and three words that changed how I parent. Plus, 21 completely subjective rules for raising teen girls and teen boys.
(Photo by Danil Nevsky/Stocksy.)
