The One And Only Thing Wrong With This 2014 Nissan Juke Nismo RS Is Its CVT, And I Will Fight You Behind The Waffle House If You Disagree

Everyone claims cars are too boring these days, and they’re right. The vast majority of cars are quiet, safe, comfortable, efficient and reliable, but they’re also too normal. In the pursuit of actually selling cars, automakers decided it was better to give Americans vehicles they would actually buy instead of keeping things interesting, and that’s a shame. We used to be a country. A real country. The good news is, you can fight back against the monotony by buying one of the most unique crossovers ever built — this 2014 Nissan Juke Nismo RS.

The regular Juke was already a weird little car, but Nissan didn’t want to settle for merely being weird, so it brought in the Nismo team to make it sportier. And then Nissan had Nismo make an even sportier RS version. Does it make insane numbers and hold a Nurburgring record? Of course not. It didn’t need that. Instead, it made 211 horsepower and 184 pound-feet of torque from a 1.6-liter turbocharged four-cylinder and used a torque-vectoring all-wheel-drive system to get that power to the ground. Oh, and you can’t forget the Recaro sport seats.

Is it a perfect car? Sadly, it is not. While Nissan did offer the Juke Nismo RS with a manual transmission, this example has the continuously variable transmission, which certainly is not ideal. That’s it, though. That’s the only problem with this car, and if you disagree, you better be ready to throw down in the parking lot of America’s finest 24-hour diner chain, because you’re wrong, and nothing says 4th of July weekend quite like fighting over something that ultimately doesn’t matter. 

I mean, just look at that styling. There’s so much going on, and not all of it makes sense, but somehow, it actually works. Especially now that split headlight designs are much more common. The Juke wasn’t ugly. It was just ahead of its time. You know, just like the Pontiac Aztek and Mazdaspeed6. And since you probably haven’t seen one in a while, yes, it was a crossover, but these cars are also a lot smaller than you may remember. 

The current Honda Civic is 184 inches long. The Juke is nearly two feet shorter than that, clocking in at only 162 inches, with a wheelbase of just under 100 inches. And while it isn’t slammed to the ground like a lot of us say we’d prefer, in reality, the slightly higher ride height makes it easier to get in and out of for those of us who can accept we aren’t 19 anymore. Plus, with the sport suspension, even the haters who have driven them will reluctantly agree the Juke Nismo RS is a total hoot.

Could you buy something more serious? Sure you can, if you’re a big, serious adult who wants the world to know just how serious they are. Go buy your German sports car and enjoy how stiff and serious it is while you get lost in the sea of sameness. The Juke Nismo RS, on the other hand, was funky and fun. Weird and wacky. Practical and perfect. It’s the antidote to the monotony of everyday drudgery, and the best part is, it’s still only a $15,000 car at best. How many other cars can you buy for well under $20,000 that you’re guaranteed to never lose in the parking lot? Exactly.

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