It might seem harmless and even empowering to express your dislike, but there can be a downside to hating and ranting, especially if it’s constant. Ahead, experts share their take on negativity and how it might be affecting your mental health and relationships.
What makes someone a hater?
A hater is someone who always has something negative to say. They’re quick to criticize others and things, be it an event, idea, or the latest pumpkin spice latte product. Often, when it comes to people, jealousy or a desire to deflect attention away from one’s insecurities is to blame. But others simply enjoy the sport of putting down others.
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Being a hater is in our DNA—sort of. “Our brains are designed to look at the worst-case scenario in order to survive,” says chief wellness consultant and executive coach Daryl Appleton, EdD. We need to recognize threats in our environment, whether we’re avoiding a tripping hazard or a cheating ex. Our bias toward negativity helps us determine who to cooperate with and who to compete with.
Our human brain is also why we tend to remember negative comments more than positive ones. They’re stickier. They catch our attention. And they’re hard to forget.
The problem with focusing on the negative is that we tend to “build neural pathways and teach our brain that everyone sucks and everything is terrible,” Appleton says. “It’s hard work to look at the bright side and give others grace.” However, you can become more aware of your hater tendencies and develop healthier ways to express your feelings.
Hold on, can’t hate strengthen relationships?
Negativity can be a powerful bonding agent. Watch any season of Real Housewives and you’ll see cast members airing their grievances to each other. As a viewer, I’m hating alongside the housewives as though we have a common enemy.
Sometimes, gossip and negativity stem from emotions like fear and jealousy. Perhaps you’re comparing yourself to someone, thinking, “I’ll never have that kind of money,” or “my life will never look like theirs,” so you commiserate with a friend to validate your feelings. But, be aware: If negativity constantly fuels your conversations, “there won’t be any space for positive experiences to flourish in a relationship,” says Brianna Paruolo, LCMHC, clinical director and founder of On Par Therapy.
You could also dislike someone simply because a loved one does. In the Netflix rom-com Nobody Wants This, the main character Joanne (played by Kristen Bell) describes the philosophy of, “If I hate someone, you have to hate them too”—a mindset that impacts her ability to be accepted within her boyfriend’s social circle. Disliking your partner’s nemesis might seem like you’re being supportive, but it can backfire and put unnecessary strain on your relationship, Paruolo says.
As pack animals, we tend to conform to the people around us so we don’t feel excluded, Appleton says. In a healthy relationship, people respect each other’s differences. They try to understand and empathize with each other even when they disagree (or have strong opinions about others).
How do you know if negativity is harming your well-being?
Disliking something or someone doesn’t always mean strong emotions are behind it. You might say that you “hate” the sound of your alarm clock or “can’t stand” your boss for making you work late. Other times, dislike may be accompanied by feelings of anger or powerlessness. In this case, it could be more serious and you might even experience symptoms of anxiety, depression, or worthlessness. If these symptoms persist or interfere with your ability to sleep, work, or enjoy life, it’s important to be aware of them and take steps to improve your well-being.
What can you do if hate is harming your well-being?
While it’s fun to be a hater sometimes, it can harm your mental health along with the health of those around you. If you spend hours consuming negative content online or repeatedly lash out at people because you’re angry, you might feel the impact physically. You could “find yourself in a persistent state of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn which can lead to increased cortisol levels and elevated blood pressure,” Paruolo says. Fortunately, there are things you can do to keep your hater tendencies in check.
Reframe your self-talk
Try keeping a log of your thoughts in your notes app or journal. Notice which thoughts keep coming up and practice reframing by thinking of three positive or neutral thoughts for every negative thought. Appleton says that over time, your brain will begin to create neural pathways linked to positive feelings and experiences.
Remove negative influences
Consider which relationships might be contributing to your negativity. You may need to take a break from social media use, limit your news consumption (especially if it makes you anxious), or unfollow certain accounts. Practicing mindfulness and gratitude can also shift your focus from hate to more joyful and fulfilling aspects of life, Paruolo says.
Lean on your support network
It’s important to invest in relationships where you can experience a range of emotions. Surround yourself with supportive people, including those who challenge your negative attitudes and behavior, Appleton says. This could be friends, family, or a therapist to help keep you on track when it comes to a healthy mindset.
That said, being a hater does have a certain appeal. Negativity allows you to openly express hidden desires and dislikes in a way that’s sometimes celebrated (much like the “Hater’s Anthem”). Also, you’re less likely to be manipulated by misleading information when you think critically and raise concerns. But, there’s a big difference between being skeptical—and being a downright hater. “The key is to balance this critical perspective with openness and positivity to maintain your overall emotional well-being,” Paruolo adds.
Makes sense—we can’t hate such practical advice.
